Uncontrolled emotions or fears can be problematic for your personal relationships and for your health. Fortunately, there are tools you can learn to help you keep them in check.
Anxiety, anger, fear, ruminating thoughts — whatever you call them, they can be extremely powerful and completely overtake you. They can ruin your day, and distract you from staying present in life. Sometimes it feels like your own mind is out to get you.
Fortunately, there are tools you can learn to help you keep your emotions/fears in check.
Understanding your emotions is the first step. They can take different forms. Some people feel a consistent monkey on their back, or they can’t stop dwelling on an event that made them unhappy. Others may feel overwhelming emotions less often, but when they do it comes out as explosive bouts, like rage or a panic attack.
Whatever shape it takes, uncontrolled emotions can negatively affect physical health and emotional wellbeing. For example, research shows that anger and hostility can increase people’s chances of developing coronary heart disease, and lead to worse outcomes in people who already have heart disease. Anxiety can lead to stress-related problems including insomnia, digestive problems and headaches.
Strategies to keep emotions at bay
First and foremost let’s look at a few things to not do:
- Repressing your emotions
- Shaming your emotions
- Projecting on others
These bad habits cause so much harm in both the short and long term. Emotions are not only something that we feel, they are part of our chemical makeup. The brain and the body communicate through these chemical signals, and can end up in a feedback loop.
And this feedback loop is very bad for your health and wellbeing. It can cause disease, depression, and make addiction-behaviors much worse.
Check yourself. The first step is learning to identify what you’re feeling, in the moment, and take a step back. Call this step the “PAUSE.” Picture this as the difference between watching a movie in the theater, or being in the movie that’s on the screen.
By creating a subtle degree of separation from the emotion, you can both honor and feel it, while also not letting it take over your body and mind.
Remove Shame. Second, understanding that whatever you’re feeling in that moment is valid. It may not be necessary, or even at an appropriate level (e.g. overreacting), but it’s there, and it’s valid. There is something happening inside or outside that is causing your emotions to arise in this moment.
How do we do this? Simple: take a breath. Or take several breaths. Slow, deep breaths.
Every year we learn more about how the breath can completely change the body. It can settle emotions, it can reduce stress, it can even energize you. So take a breath right now. Admit it, sometimes you realize when you’re focusing hard, you’ve stopped breathing.
Okay good. We’ve made sure we’re breathing, and we’ve identified some feelings we’re having. This practice takes …well practice! If you’re not used to pausing in the throws of powerful emotions, this is going to take some work on your part.
But that is a good thing! You’re taking back control of the situation, and with every attempt, it’ll become more natural.
Change the way you think. Once you’ve started to get this down, the next step is called “Cognitive Restructuring”, aka changing the way you think about stressful events.
When you’re angry, or anxious, it’s easy to feel like things are worse than they really are. Through a mindfulness techniques, you can replace unhelpful negative thoughts with more reasonable ones. Instead of thinking “Everything is ruined,” for example, tell yourself “This is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world.”
I know, I know. Easier said than done right? Well let me put a thought in your head: did the world end? Aren’t you still here, today, reading this blog? That means that you have survived 100% of what the world has thrown at you. That therefore means that nothing you’ve experienced was ‘the end of the world.’
There’s a reason people say “This too shall pass.” It’s because everything is temporary. Even negative emotions and thought patterns can be stopped. You just have to stop feeding them, and instead start feeding your positive thoughts.
Try these strategies to reframe your thinking:
- Avoid words like “never” or “always” when talking about yourself or others. Statements like “This never works” or “You’re always forgetting things” make you feel your anger is justified. Such statements also alienate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
- Use logic. Even when it’s justified, an emotion can quickly become irrational. Remind yourself that the world is not out to get you. Do this each time you start feeling stressed, and you’ll get a more balanced perspective.
- Translate expectations into desires. Emotional people tend to demand things, whether it’s fairness, appreciation, agreement or willingness to do things their way. Try to change your demands into requests. And if things don’t go your way, try not to let your disappointment turn into anger, sadness, or hopelessness.
Next, relax. Simple relaxation or mindfulness strategies, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help soothe overwhelming feelings. If you practice one or more of these strategies often, it will be easier to apply them when deep emotions strike.
You can’t completely eliminate feelings.
But you can make changes to the way those events affect you, and the ways in which you respond. By making the effort to keep your emotions in check, you and the people close to you will be happier for the long run.
This process does not take place overnight. Don’t get me wrong, many people have epiphanies when doing deep work. But the execution of reprogramming years of experience takes time and repetition. Have patience with yourself, and understand that also seeking professional help with this process can go a long way towards guiding you to the future you desire.
How a psychologist can help
If you continue to feel overwhelmed, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional who can help you learn how to control your stressful emotions. He or she can help you identify problem areas and then develop an action plan for changing them.
**Disclosure: This blog is not meant to be a replacement for professional/licensed therapy.
Many people enjoy the DIY of mental health, but almost everyone needs support at one time or another, and no one should feel alone in their pain.
While almost anything can be found on the internet, if you’re in need of professional help do not hesitate to contact a licensed therapist.
